encounters

so, boys against girls. how long have we been playing that way? today during 5th grade mentoring, i took two 5th grade boys because their mentor was gone. they were totally cool kids and we went to play foosball. they were playing each other, and then some girls came in and asked if they could play. the girls were good, but the guys still beat them, best out of three. more girls came to play, and their mentors stood by to watch as well. the mentors starting calling "go girls! come on girls!" and then, inevitably, it became that timeless battle of the sexes: boys v. girls. i wanted my mentees to win and i found myself feeling loyalty for my mentees, but inside i felt myself rooting for the girls. "come on, jan," i told myself, "it doesn't matter." but we all know that it does! ever since i was in their shoes - 5th grader who thinks she knows everything - it always came down to beating the boys! how interesting. btw, the boys let me play with them, so we did three on three, and we lost by one... and i blame myself, since i must have secretly been wanting the girls to beat us. why else would we have lost the match? i should have recused myself from the match due to a conflict of interest.

second encounter today - this girl that i know from 'somewhere' totally knew my name and engaged in a conversation with me and i greeted her, spoke with her, left, and still to this moment i couldn't tell you what her name was or how i know her. what is wrong with me?! that is so frustrating.

gone are the days

gone are the days of truly appreciating our belongings. gone are the days of real gratitude for all of our conveniences. most of the time, things aren't working fast enough, efficient enough, or long enough. i think of my lovely little laptop computer. it is easy for me to complain that the power cord has a short in it and the screen has some permanent smudges and the software is slow and the left speaker cover is coming up a bit - but wait until the day that this lovely compy stops working all together! i mean, this compy has gone through a lot and it is still working! practically a miracle. it has fought a good fight - being shoved in my bag day after day, class after class. it has been dropped and slid and slammed and carelessly unplugged before it was all finished shutting down. what kind of steward am i?! rather than starting it up and loudly sighing while it takes forever to get onto mozilla, i should be happy at how cooperative this thing is most of the time. i should be glad that colors start appearing on my screen and that i can still check my email! what would i do if i couldn't do that with such ease?

i am going to start really appreciating this computer. the day it dies, it will be like saying goodbye to a favorite work horse or to the worn-out tractor. can't you just picture a farmer letting go of his tractor or horse, his work companion of many years after it's seen its day, and seeing his reflective gaze as he remembers hours of labor with that tractor or that horse? i feel like farmers know what it's like to appreciate their tools and belongings. they know that these things make our lives easier! thus, just as a farmer lovingly picks up his plow - the plow that has served him so well - i will lovingly open my laptop computer and smile. i will not complain that it is being slow or uncooperative! mark me, compy, i am a changed owner - and we shall enjoy a long and prosperous existence together, sending emails, writing briefs, and posting entries into the sunset.

recently

i think that Americans need to stop whining about people not doing things for them and start doing things for themselves.

i am going to live in Hawaii when i grow up and i can't wait.

don't you think that we sometimes inhibit others from doing nice things because they are afraid that people will question their motives? i think that is too bad.

i made a goal last month to ask questions. i thought of a lot - and i even found some answers. i'm thinking of sharing them with you since i've decided to be a seeker of truth. but, i'll have to find my list of questions... but i'll keep you posted.

i wonder if i have hives... my arm is itchy and i have been stressed recently.

if i were to be an undergrad again, i would major in accounting, philosophy, and dance. dance cuz i love it, philosophy because i want to understand it, and accounting because accountants just have the upper hand on everyone else. except maybe engineers. maybe.

i had a birthday recently and now i am officially an adult. i don't think you're really an adult till you pass 25. but now i'm 26 and i guess now i'm all grown up... i'm moving to Hawaii.

roses and orchids

Mark Eliason and I are engaged to be married on May 1st, 2010

I couldn't be happier -

The proposal was perfect -

And my fiance is the perfect match for me

they must be above the rules

those people, i mean.

they blatantly disregarded the sign on the grass in front of the wilk that says:

"i'm trying hard to grow, please don't walk on me!"

they are standing right there, on that very grass! quite audacious i'd say. 'specially towards such an entreaty.

i guess it isn't a very obvious sign because it IS this wimpy, smallish blue sign, placed amongst the trees on the huge expanse of field... but the plea is so sincere, i just can't help but feel for the grass...

yet, there they stand - the would-be kings of yesteryears, yes, even the Utah Valley sparring club members who dress in medieval garb and spar (fight?) with wooden swords once a week in front of the wilk. i suppose they figure the grass (and the BYU grounds crew, for that matter) can give way for their sport. besides, their overlook is understandable. the signs weren't even translated into Olde English.

but, mostly it was just funny to me. the moment i walk by this sign, i look past it only to see these guys standing on the grass in an attitude that seems to say, "we are above the law!" it was just ironic. kind of like the time i saw a tube of toothpaste next to the sink, crumpled and disformed and center-squeezed, and the directions were face up, reading "for best results, squeeze from the bottom up." take that, "Man"! ha! i noticed that they don't put those directions on the toothpaste anymore. it can only mean one of a million things, but i will give you two. for one, they probably realized that the toothpaste produces the same result if you squeeze the tube from the bottom, middle, or top. for two, they couldn't fit the translation of the directions in Olde English on those small tubes.

post 101: i have him

it was just a matter of time. i just got off the phone and knew i had to post this draft i had written almost a week ago. i have been away from the blog land - i didn't write one blog in the month of september. you see, i have been preoccupied with things -

okay,

love.

i think i have been avoiding "the common" because i was initially afraid that the things i was thinking about were too personal to write on the page. however, i knew one day i wouldn't be able to keep love from penetrating my world, even my most personal and individualistic world (i do have a strong sense of privacy, for those of you who know me well). but love has rocked my world! since love, i have felt my need for certain things subside and take on new forms. my blog (thus this explanatory post), melancholy music - they were all venues for my singleness. but this summer i fell in love in the warmest city in the country and my need to have places of expression that fed my singleness began to melt away.

i started to realize that some of my singleness-cravings just stopped surfacing. this person that i had took away those needs - or, rather he fulfilled them. he replaced them. i didn't need to listen to melancholy music to feel emotion - i had him. i didn't need to express my thoughts to myself on a vacant screen - i had him. and now the season is turning to winter

and i still have him.

forgive the personal theme, but i have always tried to be honest in each post and i have to be myself when writing on this blog from now on anyway. and this new love is a part of me now.

so, readers, this writer is

different,
new,
better

happy -

because i have him. and coming from an independent person who enjoyed seeing the world from her own space, this new discovery of another person is profound. truly, love changes people for the better. and yes, Ammon, you can take credit for this because you knew all along what i needed.

couched between a privilege and a pet peeve

to break the ice since i've been gone for so long, i thought i'd talk about something somewhat taboo, somewhat uncomfortable, but nonetheless a reality and a pet peeve. those are always fun, right? hooray!

so, ladies, you know how there are couches in the girl's bathroom in the library and elsewhere on campus? and, guys, you no doubt harbor bitterness about this luxury that we women enjoy. (btw, sexist comment: i feel it is absolutely okay to discriminate against men in this way because men do not have babies - bear them, care for them (primarily) - nor do they experience all other girl things. and boys, you have so many other privileges about bathroom usage - like being able to go in bushes if you want - that i feel you have your needs met.) so couches are good and appropriate in the girl's room. but, let's talk about some misuse.

when you need to run into the ladies' room for a minute, and there is someone just "hangin' out" on the couches in the bathroom, it makes it a little awkward to go. i mean, they can HEAR you. i sometimes want to address the awkwardness with, "hey, don't mind me, i'm just gonna go into one of these stalls here and just take care of a little business. you don't mind do you? i mean, i'm not interrupting anything here, am i?" i mean, really. it is awkward. when you need to crash and take a little napster on campus and you don't want to look uncomely, sprawled on some uncomfortable bench on campus, i may think - sure, sleep in here. you're not aware of me anyway. but, just reading a book, playing on your laptop in the little lounge room. hm. okay, is that weird to anyone else? what would be the reason you are doing this? is there someone out there you are trying to avoid? do you not mind the sound of flushing toilets while you're on your cell phone with your friends?

well, whatever the reason, let us minimize the misuse of the couches given us, ladies. i know they're comfortable, but i don't know if it is worth the discomfort you cause everyone else. and i'd appreciate some sympathy. (and boys if you feel a need to vent, i completely understand and your comments are welcome.)