freud

The boy across the table from me is chewing his gum in the most irritating way - swagging his mouth in a quick, abrupt,open fashion, his big teeth chomping the little piece of who-knows-what Trident or Orbit. When he'd first sat across from me, the comfort of having someone there and even the sound of his gum put me at ease into my book. I always prefer some kind of human warmth in my scene. Such presence penetrates sweetly into my peripheral senses and allows me a type of mental relaxation. Soon, my eyes began to get heavy and the incessant chewing that commenced once he looked up from one problem to look at the next one in his book suddenly shot through my dreams of Paradise by Toni Morrison and I had to get up to take a walk. I sat back at the solid library table, pandering around on my computer, bugged that I couldn't get wireless internet on this floor. I just wish someone would text me so I wouldn't have to face the papers that need to be written or look at the glaring comments on my last paper to try and decipher just exactly what my teacher wanted me to do. I sort of shrug at the vagueness of her feedback regarding my own vagueness of my paper and wonder if she is not grading me on assertions she's made about the sonnet which I didn't include and never intended to include. At least I'm just glad that one of my teachers is willing to force my writing to be better than first draft. I've gone this far - a senior! - with mediocre writing pulling me A minuses on a paper.

Sometimes, a certain fear probes me. I've recently identified it, though haven't named it. I realize that it is scary to approach the world of knowledge for me. The world of writing a paper. I am afraid of my own ability and afraid of what it is going to demand. It is easier to just hypothetically think about it. I get a type of anxiety when I think of diving back into the vault of academia and human knowledge because the requirement is so great and the expanse too massive. It is like when we were little and my brother said he would be afraid of going to space, that the weird phobia of being in a space with no limits, no surroundings, no confines would kick in. The exact opposite of claustrophobia. Most people know, I'm the kind of girl that needs my space… But it's also true that I need someone to sit across the table from me. Don't talk to me, and you don't even have to bother nodding. Just be there. That way I'm independent but not alone. I like that feeling - the feeling I get in big cities and busy cafes and going to the theatre alone.

There I just went, completely avoiding the task at hand and delving into a great narcissistic self-examination and finding other things to occupy my time and mind. But really - no more avoiding reality. No more skirting around with mediocre educational endeavors. I feel like a poser sometimes, applying to law school and all. I feel like I'd get a much better grade and better earned one too if they'd test me on how much conversation I can achieve in the student lounge - something easy - not how much I've read or the integrity of the things I've written for my class. The fear of jumping into Homework capital H also stems from the regret I know I will feel once in there and realizing that I should have gotten in to the water much earlier. Too much time wasted on the shore and the water feels so good.