an "F" for finished...for now

graduation, commencement, pomp and circumstance.

overrated? maybe. my feelings are so mixed. i went to an honors banquet and felt like a total poser, even though my mom kept assuring me that she was so proud. the kid that got up to speak started out by saying that when he got to BYU, he was worried that his teachers wouldn't give him enough homework. my exact thoughts: you have GOT to be kidding me! man, thank GOODNESS the honors program gives enough homework. what WOULD we have done?

and then, when the professor of the year, who i love by the way (especially because he put a plug in for j-dawgs and that changed my life), said, "you will use you MIND" very deliberately and pointed to his head....just like jack black in school of rock....and my mom and i almost lost it...because we were totally thinking about that moment, i thought this experience couldn't get any crazier. but, then we got focused and enjoyed a very nice luncheon. my old mish companion,eve, played the piano and that was a highlight. (chopin nocturne. ah!)

then i'm sitting at commencement a couple of hours later. the irony is that i'm studying calculus. i had my last final to take. so, as they are congratulating everyone on being "done," i'm cramming differential equations. watching all of the professors walk in reminded me of when i was about nine and we went to my dad's ph.D graduation. it also reminded me of "goodbye mr. chips." i love that movie. i used to be star-struck by this sight. these robed celebrities were my idols. i loved the officialness of it all and the pomp definitely was appealing.

was it strange, then, that this time it just looked like a bunch of people dressed up like harry potter characters? it is like my whole perspective of this ordeal had totally changed. i should have more respect for the institution of education and academia. but, i realized that I was sitting there in a robe and i'm just a plain-jane-nobody-special. we are all people and all have insecurities and probably like to watch "the office." it was like i had to grow out of the way i used to think about academia. what are these honors anyway? the worth of the experience depends on so many things. and "who you are" is ultimately not determined by these things.

well, anyway, coming to an end of a chapter is interesting because it makes you consider where you stand and where you stood. after many mixed feeling, the feeling that i got as i sat in the marriott center today on a bench behind the big backdrop was gratitude. i am sooooo grateful. for byu, for my parents, and for faithful tithe payers who made my experience possible.

and this gratitude is why i'm going back.

and going forth.