Tuesday, May 20, 2008
how does one obtain self-esteem?
i wrote this in my notebook yesterday and i am seeking an answer. after some conversation with a dear friend, i thought of this question. no matter how many treatments or conversations with a counselor, etc., you have, no one can simply bestow self-esteem upon you. then, where does it come from? i'd appreciate your insights.
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7 comments:
I think it comes from doing something hard and doing it well.
i need positive feedback from someone i respect. it may be totally lame and totally shallow, but i like to HEAR that i've done something commendable. this year of law school was rough for that very reason. but now that i'm working in the legal field with amazing people, i'm starting to feel like i can actually do this.
What a fascinating question.
In my world, it comes from God; and to know God is to know God loves you.
Reminds me of an old fave quotation by Ms. Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
I agree with Cath. A positive correlation between testimony and confidence.
"A testimony...is a constant source of confidence, a true and faithful companion during good times and bad. A testimony provides us with a reason for hope and gladness. It helps us cultivate a spirit of optimism and happiness and enables us to rejoice in the beauties of nature."
- Uchtdorf (October 2006)
that is a great question Jana. i think persistant issues with self-esteem generally arise from a combination of events during the developmental stage of life. children are smarter than some of us might think, and can catch on to things that we might not anticipate. a disparaging remark from a close adult can change the way a child views themself and others at a fundamental level, creating a more complex and unfair thought process. a mom that places too much emphasis on the appearance can create a thought process to match...a dad that openly engages in pornography can change the way a child will view women and relationships...a parent overly stressing success...a child made fun of by kids at school...a respected adult talking down others frequently...and especially a parent being physically/emotionally abusive, or even just controlling. there are many more examples i'm sure, but all of these can lead to a child forming views and opinions that are unrealistic, and damage their base level thought process. and this invariably sets them up for percieved failure. anyway, "how does one obtain self-esteem?" its tough, but i don't think there is a cookie cutter answer like relying on one's testimony. a testimony of Christ is a wonderful gift and can be extremely rewarding throughout life, and surely beneficial in such circumstances, but to change the thought process takes attention, action, and i'm sure a lot of patience. its like the old saying, "Rome wasn't just built in one day, it took a long time!" err, did i get that right?...you get my point. but i'm no professional so i found this online. its kind of interesting. oh yeah, and counting crows is awesome, long december is one of my all time faves!
Six Behaviors that Increase Self-Esteem
By Denis Waitley
"It's not what you are that holds you back, it's what you think you are not"
Following are six behaviors that increase self-esteem, enhance your self-confidence, and spur your motivation. You may recognize some of them as things you naturally do in your interactions with other people. But if you don't, I suggest you motivate yourself to take some of these important steps immediately.
First, greet others with a smile and look them directly in the eye. A smile and direct eye contact convey confidence born of self-respect. In the same way, answer the phone pleasantly whether at work or at home, and when placing a call, give your name before asking to speak to the party you want to reach. Leading with your name underscores that a person with self-respect is making the call.
Second, always show real appreciation for a gift or complement. Don't downplay or sidestep expressions of affection or honor from others. The ability to accept or receive is a universal mark of an individual with solid self-esteem.
Third, don't brag. It's almost a paradox that genuine modesty is actually part of the capacity to gracefully receive compliments. People who brag about their own exploits or demand special attention are simply trying to build themselves up in the eyes of others — and that's because they don't perceive themselves as already worthy of respect.
Fourth, don't make your problems the centerpiece of your conversation. Talk positively about your life and the progress you're trying to make. Be aware of any negative thinking, and take notice of how often you complain. When you hear yourself criticize someone — and this includes self-criticism — find a way to be helpful instead of critical.
Fifth, respond to difficult times or depressing moments by increasing your level of productive activity. When your self-esteem is being challenged, don't sit around and fall victim to "paralysis by analysis." The late Malcolm Forbes said, "Vehicles in motion use their generators to charge their own batteries. Unless you happen to be a golf cart, you can't recharge your battery when you're parked in the garage!"
Sixth, choose to see mistakes and rejections as opportunities to learn. View a failure as the conclusion of one performance, not the end of your entire career. Own up to your shortcomings, but refuse to see yourself as a failure. A failure may be something you have done — and it may even be something you'll have to do again on the way to success — but a failure is definitely not something you are.
Even if you're at a point where you're feeling very negatively about yourself, be aware that you're now ideally positioned to make rapid and dramatic improvement. A negative self-evaluation, if it's honest and insightful, takes much more courage and character than the self-delusions that underlie arrogance and conceit. I've seen the truth of this proven many times in my work with athletes. After an extremely poor performance, a team or an individual athlete often does much better the next time out, especially when the poor performance was so bad that there was simply no way to shirk responsibility for it. Disappointment, defeat, and even apparent failure are in no way permanent conditions unless we choose to make them so. On the contrary, these undeniably painful experiences can be the solid foundation on which to build future success.
This question has interested me and so I have watched people. Accomplished/failures, beautiful/ugly, smart/stupid, rich/poor, etc.--all these things make a difference, but what I have noticed, the thing that separates people is how loved they feel. Do they have a loving family, do they know God loves them, do they have friends that love them--I'm pretty sure this is what leads to self esteem.
after a little follow-up reading on this subject, it looks like Amy Catherine is spot on about the relationship between love and self-esteem. according to this book, love (felt from and for others) is a key building block to increasing and maintaining a healthy self-esteem. maybe that's why you always feel so good after a service project.
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