all the king's men

I looked up and saw that however far I felt I had traveled, I was only on page 3.

This was just the kind of reading my brother loves - and the kind of poetry he puts out. Thick and swift. Words that work and row and sing and dance together in rich, heavy gowns of purple syllables. You lick your lips and purse them together for the sweetness and the density of the way the words feel on your eyes and reading them makes you sort of quiver at how they shake out into pretty patterns. I felt like I was digging in deep clay soil, wet and oily and intoxicating, with bare hands. I got to page 3 and felt I had downed a pint's worth of literary sweetened condensed milk, but I had to keep reading - I had to, or I might not come back before my Sunday sleep overtook me. Reading through the cornfields and upholstery and the chestnut and crimson landscapes and creamy faces I made it to page 6 where the momentum of the molasses bath of words I had plummeted into began to whisk me along a sweet and bold narrative.

Dad had decided to get this book for me this year. It is part of a tradition we have. We call them 'Dad Gifts' and they are usually something kind of practical, yet still sentimental. A hat, a book, some music. He gives them out at the breakfast table on Christmas Day. After consulting my very well-read brother about blockbuster books, Dad selected All The King's Men. I started reading a bit of it and had to really peer my eyes into the first sentences. Though I am an English major, it had been a while since I'd read a sentence 12 lines long and pieced together with 8 commas and should have included probably 8 more comas to prevent so much run-on. "Run-on?!" my brother would exclaim, notably offended. I know, I know. I need to read more American lit.

npr nerd

So the other day in my final in my C.S. Lewis class, the teacher mentioned that he had been on the radio before with some Something Vaus guy who had written stuff obviously applicable to have his name appear on a C.S. Lewis term paper's works cited page. My teacher said that he was on it with "Doug Fabreeza" or something and though I think I was talking to someone else during this little anecdote, I was suddenly engaged in the discussion.

"Doug Fabrizio?" I said. "Radio West?"

"Yeah! That's it - Fabrizio!" and my teacher continued a little more and fizzled out after a few more sentences on it and asked for the next presenter to read her abstract.

Wow, am I a nerd or what. So, I listen to NPR. I listen to it when I'm driving mostly and I attempt to pick up the fragments of whatever is on - Morning Edition, Diane Rehm Show, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, and the getaway radio paradise during my summer job of four years ago - Radio West - during my lunch breaks at 11. If you tune in on Saturdays around 10 you might be lucky enough to hear Car Talk which is always worth it. My dad can't stand Doug, but I've kind of warmed up to the guy. I love the funny ways he tries to depart so much from Utah tradition and be a little 'edgy.' It makes me smile. I called my friend Steph and told her my nerd-moment. Steph appreciated it and also wondered, I'm sure, how no one else in my class had known that. Steph herself is an avid Diane fan and just you wait America - Steph's gonna be the next intern at Morning Edition. And I'll be listening. What can I say? I run with high rollers.

ice breaker

So, I think I'm back. Who here thinks I should dye my hair red? Several friends sitting around the table the other day said they thought it was a grand idea. Then, someone took a picture of me with my red-headed roommate standing over me so her hair would drape over mine just so we could get an idea. After that, no one thought I should dye my hair. But I feel somewhat inclined to do it. Dare me? Feel free to cast your vote next door.



My girlfriends from freshman year and I had lunch at the Nauvoo cafe today. So great to catch up with those gals.

I was, by the way, voted second to last to get married on seminary council my senior year, and the one voted to be the last to get married is now two years married and five months pregnant. I think I win.

i'm wearing brown, navy, and black all in a badly matched array today. sigh.

and it took me till now to realize it too. but why should i care? i'm at the library on a friday night. i have no one to impress. literally.

(if this is perplexing anyone that i'm writing something that has nothing to do with anything, then i will say that this is my way of talking about things that don't matter at all before i spill out a whole bunch of hulla-baloo of all the things that are going through my crazy senseless brain. i'm pondering a post on the topic of 'risk' right now and i have a bit already written in a draft. let me know if you'd like to add some thoughts. it is a lot easier to manage on a superficial level this friday night. any suggestions on my paper that i'm writing about how c.s. lewis was an environmentalist?)

To understand the meaning of death,
we must appreciate the purpose of life.
-Thomas S. Monson

I read this in the morning and I had to write it down somewhere so that I could remember to think about it.

so, i'm back from being off the face of the planet. long time, no type. but, i have stuff to say. i'm thinking. give me a minute. i did just get back after all. just wanted to put a shout out to ammon, though, for being such a cool brother and having such a cool blog. you're my inspiration.

and to all the rest of you, thanks for waiting.

i sha'n't be gone long.

never suppress a generous thought.

I've been checkin' out some other blogs tonight of my cousins, etc. It is quite the network - and there are some pretty sweet sites out there. Man.

I told Cath that I wanted to write a blog about last week - it was Homecoming. And I loved it - Homecoming, I mean. I actually only participated in one thing. I went to Spectacular and it changed my life. The choir sang Danny Boy and I cried, which I never do. And then they showed pictures of BYU's campus expanding over time and I had to wipe my cheek. I am so complacent about my opportunity to be here and though I don't feel I always live up to the expectation, at least I could recognize the privilege I have to be associated with such a remarkable institution.

The theme was "coming full circle." I feel like this has been a continual (circular, if you will) theme in my life, especially after coming home from my mission. Oh great. Here comes the cheesy quote to my mind that my dad would always remind me of - Dorothy says it in the Wizard of Oz (not my fav movie, but whatever. It's still good.) She says something like how she didn't have to go looking beyond her own backyard afterall...something something. I travel on a path near and far from where I really want to be, and once I round the bend and get back on track I realize what was missing, what I needed, what I was looking for - but maybe wouldn't have seen without the experiences I had.

That's actually not exactly what I was getting at. I don't feel like I'm looking for some magical escape. But it is a similar realization. It was more like realizing that it actually DID take me 9 months and a serious relationship to actually adjust after my mission, despite me thinking "Oh, I'm totally adjusted. How are you?" I didn't even know I was going through that process - until I looked behind and in front and was like - whoa. Or, going on a mission and coming back only to realize that what I learned as a missionary was how to be a member - things I could be doing all the time, but I had to go to Japan to figure it out. Or, how what I really wanted out of an education wasn't grades after all and that I had been kidding myself by trying to get a grade and missing the knowledge part. Oh yeah, that.

Coming full circle - I felt that was for me. I think we all kinda come full circle everyday - when we exercise or serve someone, it's like we learned for the first time that: "Hey, I feel GOOD when I do something hard or I put myself out there. Whodathunk?" Plus, it was kinda cool (sorry to all the people who don't have a BYU reference and you feel lost) that the person we were honoring was Karl Maeser. He was a cool guy. I'm supposedly in the Honor's Program at BYU, though I feel like a poser, and I sometimes have classes in the Maeser building. I walk by his statue totally intimidated and like "I'm not worthy, oh great one!" but I still manage to be allowed to take the class. Kinda cool. But, I'm trying to come full circle with that. Give it my all, ya know. And then there's the tie to his chalk circle that he would never cross out of had he given his word to remain. I like that.

But, what was a really cool "come full circle" moment for me this past summer was when President Hinckley came to dedicate the building named after him on his birthday. It was so cool to hear him talk about his father attending here at BYU - and here he was dedicating a building with his name on it at age 97. What a man. That was pretty incredible. Thank you for playing. I'm going to let you peel your eyes from this oh-so-gradiose writing sample and release you back into your life. But, thanks for reading. I'd appreciate comments. BYU alumni? I know you're out there.

I changed my title. My mom was a little worried on what the previous blog title might imply.

more irony

This blog is like my journal in that it carries that common uncomfortable characteristic of a second conscience making me feel guilty that I'm neglecting it and then allowing me to open it up again just to realize all that I intended to write and didn't, which then causes me to try convince myself I can avoid my accountability by opening my gmail, yahoo, facebook and busy myself with that...only to see, ironically, that everything else has been equally neglected. So here is your penitent blogger facing the screen to try to make recompense.

Do you mind if I get deeper? I just couldn't resist sharing this great idea that was mentioned in my C.S. Lewis class the other day. We were talking about faith/works and grace (which, timely enough, we were discussing in Sunday School last week too, so it had been on my mind - i.e. "Just how does one find that balance? 50/50? Or perhaps 100/100 - me and God") and my teacher offered this explanation. We are obedient because 1) We trust God enough/have faith in God enough to do exactly what He says (that was from Lewis), and 2) We are constantly reminded that even when we do all we can, we are not enough and must rely on grace. I am constantly amazed at the doctrine of grace. I just came to the conclusion the other day, for example, that I constantly tell myself I've got to get to a certain point in my life before I can expect the Lord to bless me. "I've got to be a perfect studier before I can ask God for help with school," "I've got to be a perfect prioritizer before I can ask God help with my calling," "I've got to be investing more hours into writing so-and-so and calling so-and-so before I can ask Him to help me be a better friend."

I realized I had had it all backwards. And not even just that, but I would never reach the point "worthy" enough for Him to help me because of what I did - as if His whole purpose is just to reward us for doing things on His syllabus. However, He doesn't require that -and He probably smiles and sighs at my feeble mortal pride in thinking that it is ever my earnings anyway. All He asks is that I ask Him. Period. Not only will I never become "perfect" at all His requirements, but He made it that way so that I would turn to Him and ask Him first, "Please fill in my lack," and then He ironically rewards me the blessings reserved for the obedient to me just for letting Him intervene.

lost and found paradox

I think the Lost-and-Found is a problematic idea. You see, you lose something and someone is so kind as to pick it up and take it to the Lost-and-Found...which closes at 5:30......which locks with a key your precious wallet or cell phone or both and doesn't open it until 9:00 the next day...and you rush there hoping they just dropped it off, but you realize you beat them there and they could be waltzing around with your 'protected' item anywhere on campus...and then you're without it the next hour...the next morning...when you have work...and then class...and then you've got to wait till tomorrow 'cause your class went till 6:00...and you kinda wished that the person would have just left it in the library where you left it...because I was just on my way back anyway.

Of course, I you can't blame that person for picking it up and taking care of it. At least they protected it from some other person picking it up and then faithfully taking it somewhere totally inaccessible, like the Lost-and-Found.

heaven

I think that heaven is going to be like the word 'familiar.' I think that it will be composed of ideas like 'everyday.' I think this as I drive my astro van that carries a musty ski-season-ish scent down 9th East in Provo and listen to the slightly fuzzy broadcast on NPR of a jazz song that I recall the tune of but can't remember the name. I'm reminded of home, like when I picture dad driving home from work and he gets out of the car (some interesting book or his Swedish Book of Mormon in hand) and kisses mom hello. Or, driving back with Dal or Kimball or Am from some event at BHS or BYU, or with Kira on the way home from a Bella Vista carpool run after high school. It reminds me of home, which reminds me of heaven - so I guess now you can follow my logic. I think that heaven is that feeling you get when you sense the light of the past illuminating a fall day's drive and it makes you feel like sighing.

them mormons

So in my class we were talking about the cultures that Mormons have. What is it like where you live? What kind of traditions are distinct to NY Mormons opposed to SLC Mormons to OC Mormons? Do they have potlucks, or do the deacons pass out microphones during testimony meeting, or are there just wierd things that only SLC Mormons do? Just wondering and polling. Let me know.

untitled

Have you ever wondered why there is no cookie-cutter answer for relationships. Yesterday, someone talks to me and says "I used to have the same problem. You did the right thing." Then today, another says, "I used to have the same problem. Maybe you should rethink this." I don't mind people's opinions. In fact, I appreciate them. I know I don't know squat about relationships, despite all the advice I generously offered to roommates and friends in my relationship-experience-less 23 years, and I know that I could be doing something completely stupid. But I just find it curious. What does it really come down to? What does it really depend on in the end? There is no equation. You simply just make a choice.

It reminds me of something I read in Lewis's preface to The Great Divorce. He said that life isn't linear like a river, taking simple turns and reaching obstacles only to eventually reach a common destination with all other rivers. But, it is like a tree - complex in its growth from the common to the distinct. The roots, up to branches, which expand even more to the leaves, to the veins in the leaves. The thing that differs from using this example with relationships and Lewis's use of this analogy is that his has to do with good and evil/right and wrong; mine has to do with something somehow beyond that - human relationships. How come there is no right and wrong sometimes? It just becomes, "It didn't fit" or "we made it fit." And when to live with that and when not to...?

Or maybe it is actually the unspoken, but innerly believed and relieved feeling of: "Thank goodness there's no right and wrong in this."

I'd appreciate your comments.

round two, same day

The last post was to just get me started, but now I'm really revved up to go... Now what was I going to say...The natural tendency to resent the way the world is going with technology and making human relationships so "impersonal" is somewhat fading. I kinda like this idea. It is a very comfortable form of communication too - as well as self-indulging. I mean, who do I think I am - creating an entire website all about myself? It either stems from vanity or it comes from common courtesy to my loved ones that I at least somewhat report to you all what I'm up to - but that is also vainly assuming everyone just can't wait to hear what my exciting Provo existence holds. But, I'll try to keep the vanity and the courtesy up the best I can to check this site occassionally. But, for now - I am currently away. Or "out," if you will.

the beginning

So, Cath and I are sitting in my room, which used to be her room, and it seems as if nothing has changed though we both know so much has occurred. Cath just mentioned how she couldn't believe that I actually went to Japan and I had to admit that I sometimes couldn't believe it either. I see the seasons change before my eyes and I can't believe that I'm 23 in the fall of 2007. But, here I am and I'm comin' out.